I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
