in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We need to get me chipped asap
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
