the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
