my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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