from now on my penis is your penis
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
