Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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