there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
