True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He passed out mid-signature
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
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i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
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Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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