Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
