i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
