I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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