so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
