Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
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