I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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