When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
