He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
