Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
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When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize