when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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