im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
