finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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