tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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