I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
do nipples grow back?
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