When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
