Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
