I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
