I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My penis needs a shock collar
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
