This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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