I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
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Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I did not marry a roomba.
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