in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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