never play flip cup with pint glasses
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
