just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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