Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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