I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
