I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
