I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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