When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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