i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
