he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
