I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
