i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My bed smells like the plague
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