last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
