I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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