I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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