Cold hands, warm shart.
he was CRYING into my vagina
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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