3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
