and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
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Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
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KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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