i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
