3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
