Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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