I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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