I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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