Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
