I seem to have left my pride at pride
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The uberlube is also flammable
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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