butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
