My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
