I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
