if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Semen is not good for contacts.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
