tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
